When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
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I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.