Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
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*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.