So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
You Might Also Like
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now