When life gives you melons,
wear a low cut top.

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PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –



Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.


She asked for my name, if I’m alone, had me remove belt/shoes & take out what I have in my pants. Interactions w/TSA agents are underrated.


Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.


If this cat doesn’t stop trying to lick my plate, we’re having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.


When I see my cat watching out the window, fascinated, I sit beside her and say, ‘Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.’


Toaster settings:

No.1: “I do nothing.”
No.2: “I do nothing.”
No.3: “I do nothing.”


Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.