When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
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I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
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*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER