When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

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It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.


I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…


Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”


I got a tapeworm once back in the 80s. Now I have an mp3worm.


Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*


As a bachelor I learned to separate my laundry into three piles; dirty, not so bad, and I could wear this another two three times if needed.


My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.


ME: hey did u get my letter?


ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what


Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.


Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.


Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in