@MicheleAKALips

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

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@ImMelanieGibson

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

@sliver_of

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

@Lisa_Laughs_

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

@ConanOBrien

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

@abgates7

Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*

@MatCro

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

@meganamram

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

@ItsFunnyLife

Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You’ll know what I mean.