@BookisherBunny

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

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@Bob_Janke

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

@hoedeehoe

(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators

@BlindChow

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

@Sickayduh

“That damn Lassie said Timmy fell down a ruffruffruff”

“Relax, honey. I’m sure she means well”

@ArfMeasures

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

@LeiaMarieG

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

@DairylandDon

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

@iwearaonesie

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*