When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
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My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.