When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

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A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while


(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators


911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed


“That damn Lassie said Timmy fell down a ruffruffruff”

“Relax, honey. I’m sure she means well”


Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no


My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.


[puts key in lock]
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”


9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*