Adulthood is straight up the worst hood I’ve ever lived in.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
You Might Also Like
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
“That damn Lassie said Timmy fell down a ruffruffruff”
“Relax, honey. I’m sure she means well”
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*