When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
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My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
reduce, reuse, recycle
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then