When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
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[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
I think they could have phrased this better
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.