New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
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the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
the only bumper sticker ill allow
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.