The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
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DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
What do you call a computer that sings? A Dell!
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
son: she’s too heavy
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
When you look at Twitter’s trending topics, it’s a lot easier to understand why they have to write “Do Not Eat” on silica gel packets.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.
(For Judy in Accounting)