When life hands you women, make women laid.

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SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]


7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn’t come last night. *wipes tear*

Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.


Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.


If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.


I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.


I wish there was a way to tell if this guy is being nice to me because he likes me or if it’s just because he’s Canadian.


My gastroenterologist used to be a plumber.

Having to see him is gut-wrenching


I make the stupidest excuses just to skip the gym.
*burns tongue while drinking coffee*
“Oh no! I really wanted to go to the gym today!”


No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.


“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.