@CroweJam

When life hands you women, make women laid.

You Might Also Like

@Drytown1

The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.

@panmidwest

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

@TheBoydP

What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?

@GrantTanaka

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

@3sunzzz

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

@biscuitahoy

When you look at Twitter’s trending topics, it’s a lot easier to understand why they have to write “Do Not Eat” on silica gel packets.

@UncleDuke1969

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)