When life hands you women, make women laid.
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My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?