When life hands you women, make women laid.
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barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Potatoes were such a good idea
Feels like there should be a middle ground
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is