Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
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Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”