When life hands you
2 Lemons
1 cup sugar
2 tbsp flour
3 tbsp cornstarch
1 cup water
2 tbsp butter
4 eggs
1 pie crust
you make lemon meringue

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I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.


I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.


Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick


Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.


A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.



judge: I would cease blaming alcohol for your problems son

me: a dui is literally impossible without alcohol your honor

judge: and the indecent exposure?

me: well now see I don’t even remember that


HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?

CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?


Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school


interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans


If familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder, then by definition marriage is a terrible idea.