Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”