When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
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[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.