When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
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What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
superman landing like a plane on his belly
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
When I laugh on my period
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…