I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
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“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Some people are dealing with real life crises right now and need your nudes now more than ever
“America is getting snow? How cute”
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
32 is taking me to dinner, 29 is taking me to a concert, & 26 is taking me straight to bed.
I don’t have kids, did I do that right?
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.