When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
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Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.