Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
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“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
No, he would not have.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Yup.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone: