” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
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I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK