When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
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just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.