My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
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glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
who wore it better?
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.