The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
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so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.