When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
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Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
eating my hot dog hamburger style
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
“and you are November’s PM yes?”