@onelongbender

When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren’t my kids but he’d never fire a Mom of seven, right?

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@Jazzzzzmina

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

@LittleMissAngr1

I see you pull into my driveway and my heart races. My loins burn. My tummy flutters. I love you, food delivery man.

@markedly

ME: Hi mirror

BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk

ME: Hi mirror

BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

@Playing_Dad

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail

@The_GetawayGirl

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

@madcaplaughs30

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

@ANastyGorilla

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?