When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
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I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I’m not wrong
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.