When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
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[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Did a trash talking tree write this?
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.