When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

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*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me


I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.


*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat


Looks like ur Vine went viral.
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”


iPhone 6: For people who don’t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.


Police Officer: whose drugs are these?

Owen, my pet snake: hissssssss

Me: Owen wtf


[first date]
Him: You’re amazing! I’m having a great time!
Me: I will fight you for the rest of this pizza.


Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.