When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
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Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Canadian owl: Eh?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
True
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.