“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
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I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.