Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
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Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
*demon tries to inhabit my body*
Demon: WHAT THE HELL
Me: I know
Demon: EVERYTHING HURTS, WHY?? AND WHATS WRONG WITH THIS SHOULDER???
Me: idk man, can I offer you a mint?
This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. 🥺
Normally, I do not go because I am poor.
Wife: Are you coming or not?
Me: Is there gonna be alcohol?
Wife: It’s your grandmother’s funeral!
Me: Then I’m not coming.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please