@man_spach

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

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@somecleverthing

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

@Megatronic13

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

@CEHudspeth

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

@AaronLinguini

*demon tries to inhabit my body*
Demon: OUCH
Me: yeah…
Demon: WHAT THE HELL
Me: I know
Demon: EVERYTHING HURTS, WHY?? AND WHATS WRONG WITH THIS SHOULDER???
Me: idk man, can I offer you a mint?

@buhrooke

This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. 🥺

Normally, I do not go because I am poor.

@Jaywoo74

Wife: Are you coming or not?
Me: Is there gonna be alcohol?
Wife: It’s your grandmother’s funeral!
M:…
Wife: NO!
Me: Then I’m not coming.

@junejuly12

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

@mjmimages

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

@AndrewChamings

date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks

me: [to waiter] horse please