@man_spach

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

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@living_marble

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

@karanbirtinna

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

@krissywillbretz

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

@AnkCoupleTO

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

@DaddyJew

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

@AmishPornStar1

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

@josh___grant

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

@TheBoydP

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

@Love_bug1016

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.