When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
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” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear