When my co-worker asked me if I wanted anything from the vending machine, I can tell she wasn’t expecting me to say 4 Snickers bars.

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me: we need to go to the ATM machine

thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot

me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine


FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords


*wakes up in cold sweat*


First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool


[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks


When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.


AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.


do you generate electricity with water through the process of hydropower because dam


Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.