@ComedicBust

When my co-worker asked me if I wanted anything from the vending machine, I can tell she wasn’t expecting me to say 4 Snickers bars.

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@PhilJamesson

me: we need to go to the ATM machine

thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot

me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine

@flashember

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

@GrowlyGrego

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

@ItsAndyRyan

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

@ArfMeasures

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

@envydatropic

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

@SCBamaMan

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

@pickupIines

do you generate electricity with water through the process of hydropower because dam

@Swishergirl24

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.