@MavenofHonor

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

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@a_olivia4212

We have a saying in Germany. It is better to have loved and lost than to engage in a land war with Russia in the winter.

@AssOnHat

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

@KeetPotato

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

@UnFitz

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

@FeralCrone

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

@retardedwriter

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

@hunz74

My 10 year old: “If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did the darkness get there first.”

Me: “What?”

@yayraptor

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking please keep your seatbelt on as we–OH MY GOD [plane flies into a giant baby mouth]

@jake_lach

You think you have your anger issues under control until someone starts telling an important story while they’re chewing