We have a saying in Germany. It is better to have loved and lost than to engage in a land war with Russia in the winter.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
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the abominable snowman
the loch ness monster
a super walmart
a 2,000 calorie diet
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
My 10 year old: “If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did the darkness get there first.”
IT HAS A NAME!
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking please keep your seatbelt on as we–OH MY GOD [plane flies into a giant baby mouth]
You think you have your anger issues under control until someone starts telling an important story while they’re chewing