[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
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Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.