I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
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I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
How to woo a woman
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Teach your children to beatbox
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…