@MartaEffing

When my date told me he was a ‘culinary genius’, I replied, ‘Then this Brazilian won’t go to waste!’, and winked.

Now we wait.

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@KeetPotato

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

@cloudypianos

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

@DorsaAmir

Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.

@SpokeAna

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

@bitterADDitude

Hair in bun=housework
Hair in ponytail=oral sex
Body language is important-So he doesn’t get excited when I’m about to 2 scrub the toilet

@heidi420x

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

@amishschool

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

@Megatronic13

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

@lottie_fly_x

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is