[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
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I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.