@mister_blank

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

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@SirEviscerate

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Hey, what are you building?

PAL: A new kitchen counter

ME: That seems…

PAL: Please don’t

ME: …counterproductive

@AGreaterMonster

I can’t take this show seriously until they address the size of Clifford the Big Red Dog’s poops.

@BadJokeCat

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

@EJGomez

[holding my aunts stupid idiot baby]
what sound does a cow make
“moo!”
good now a dog
“woof woof!”
2 for 2. now…WHERES THAT MISSING PLANE

@truegritrumble

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

@EJGomez

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

@sweetg35

The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.

@leshnevsky

If the chameleons did their work better, we would not know about the existence of chameleons.

@AngelaEhh

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.