Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
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It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Best spoiler warning ever
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR