Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
When my daughter gets older, she will have a camera phone OR a mirror. Not both. Thanks for the advice Twitter.
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How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Roses are black
Violets are black
It’s late at night
I didn’t pay the electric bill.
What can I get you to drink?
Is Peps- Uh one moment please
[In kitchen, to manager]
I don’t know, he just said Pepsi. What do I do?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep