when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
You Might Also Like
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
you will never know the true number of layers
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi