@seamussaid

when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

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@Juicedballs

My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.

@lilgapeach30

If my co-worker says ValenTIMES one more time, I’ma need one of you to make good on the “I’ll help you hide a body” promise.

@Cpt_Burnout

“It’s always Russia somewhere” I whisper to my 4th shot of morning vodka.

@Sickayduh

[Cruise ship]
“HELP! THIS MAN HAD A HEART ATTACK”
– I think I can help *frantically covers him in all the life vests* cmon do your stuff

@TVsCarlKinsella

FOUNDER OF HOGWARTS: okay, so we all know there are four types of kid. brave, smart, evil and miscellaneous.
SCHOOL BOARD: yes, continue.

@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

@DiscoFruit

me: *lights cig* do u smoke?
girl: no, cigarettes killed my father
me: oh, cancer..?
her: no, an army of them, gunned him down
me: wait what