[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
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grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.