Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
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You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!