Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
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[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*