When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
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Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
When you don’t understand how floors work
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
The fall of Netflix
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Happens to everyone.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?