When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
You Might Also Like
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???