@molly7anne: when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
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@PetrickSara: Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable. Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
@jobrowneyes: Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB? -Married and spouse knows about account -Married but acts single -Single and getting some -Single and jealous of people getting some -Registered sex offender
@lawblob: pranking neighborhood teens by pulling my car into their driveway & putting a bow on it so they think their parents bought it for them