Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
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[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”