If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
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My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
I’ve been drinking.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
liiiiiiiiike
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
#DesignFail
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.