I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
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bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Facebook memories be like
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*