When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.

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Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.


[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*


[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.


ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu


The word “methamphetamine” looks like it was written by somebody using it.


Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.


Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake


Him: Whatcha thinkin about?

Me: How ferrets are like if a cat and a scarf had a baby.


The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*


9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.