When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
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My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.