when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
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Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.