When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
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If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
dude it’s called proctologist
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
A short story about romance.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.