When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
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My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
It’s a gift
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you