Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
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Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
#catsoftwitter
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.