My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
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For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees