When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
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You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.