Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
When my girlfriend sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesn’t think I’m a vegan.
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*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I had sex and all I got were these kids.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Soccer mom:Is that apple organic?
SM: I hope you know the pesticides they spray on those will kill you.
Me:*slowly licks apple*
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
*walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*
“why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?