@SamuelHLowe

When my girlfriend sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesn’t think I’m a vegan.

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@SequelsWeWant

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

@AimeeHelene1

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

@EdgarAllanLo

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

@Hello_Bella

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

@Book_Krazy

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

@brittwastaken

Soccer mom:Is that apple organic?
Me:No idea.
SM: I hope you know the pesticides they spray on those will kill you.
Me:*slowly licks apple*

@copymama

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

@iwearaonesie

*SNAP*
*wife screams*
*walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

@Reverend_Scott

GUY: I wish girls liked comics.

GIRL: I love comics.

GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?